• Your weapons are 90% less effective than the Good Guy’s weapons so steal the Good Guy’s weapons.
• When you capture the hero, shoot him! This is far more effective than the elaborate scheme you have worked out and which is bound to fail.
• If you have some sort of uniform then make sure they are not one size fits all. This will help prevent the Good Guy’s from knocking out your guards stealing their uniforms and infiltrating your base.
• All the fancy technology that your scientists dream up is a useless waste of time, money and innocent test subjects.
• Put security systems in your air ducts and don’t make then so strong that the can support someone crawling through them.
• Special for TV Bad Guy’s : Watch the series you will find out a whole lot of useful information.

The Doctor
Gallifrey
Your past, present or future.

Dear General Manager Telos car rental,
I recently hired one of your cars for a holiday tour of the UK and I feel I have to point out my dissatisfaction with the hire.
I collected the car from your Cardiff branch. I had parked the TARDIS on the Rift to recharge it. Recharging takes a lot longer since the local council’s pothole repair initiative was started. My first complaint is about the car that I collected. The car was a deep blue colour when I had specified silver and a clear plastic trifle bowl had been glued to the roof. I assume this was an attempt at humour by members of your staff. The boot space in the car was particularly frustrating as the capacity reduced greatly when I put my bags in. This caused further problems when I met my old friend Alpha Centauri in Frampton On Severn as AC travels with a lot of luggage.

AC and myself toured many historical sites and tourist attractions around the country and everywhere we went people treated us very oddly which I believe to be due to the trifle bowl glued to the roof of the car. I did enjoy our visit to Stonehenge and I know that the architect and builders would die laughing if they were to see the modern interpretations of the site.

I dropped AC at Barnard Castle by pretending it was actually Barnard’s Star, well three weeks trapped in trifle bowl topped small car with AC is all a friendship can cope with. Shortly after Barnard Castle I was involved in a road traffic accident. On a narrow road I was forced into a ditch by an oncoming car driving on my side of the road. I pressed the button which I assumed would make a temporal jump to avoid the collision, however this simply flashed both the indicators at once. The roadside assistance that you sent to pull the car out of the ditch leads me to the next complaint. The gentleman who arrived with the tow truck was surly and openly mocked me for the damned trifle bowl. He also stole my Sonic Screwdriver and cannot stress too strongly that this must be returned to me as it’s possession by a non-Time Lord breaks several inter-galactic conventions.

On arriving in Edinburgh, where I was planning to take in some Festival events, I was relieved that at least this was one place that no one would gave a second look to a trifle bowl topped car. I will be writing presently to the Fringe Association as I believe one of its performers is making illegal use of Time Lord technology. On the Royal Mile I saw a woman appear to climb into a box no more than one metre square and close the lid. If our technology is being illegally exploited on Earth why can’t it be used to improve boot space in your rental cars?

The car was returned to your Edinburgh branch as was pre-arranged and they charged me an excess due to the trifle bowl lifting paint when it was removed. I would like this charge refunded and some form of compensation for the problems caused on my tour. My plan to hire another vehicle at the end of the Festival was scuppered as the word had gone round that I glued trifle bowls to the roofs of cars. This resulted me having to fly back to Cardiff. I will be writing presently to Edinburgh Airport as to my difficulties and treatment going through security.

Yours sincerely
The Doctor

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 2.5 UK: Scotland.

Credits : NASA for the earth photo and Broomhilda for the heads up on the ‘Blogs to Space’ story. Oddly I chose ‘I Love Lucy’ for the cartoon before I went to the site.